Close Yet Far
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or so it’s said. Silence has the power to speak volumes, without risk of sounding like a broken record. Even as I linger on Instagram, Pinterest and Spotify, my decision to abandon other platforms was motivated by continued frustration, calling someone’s bluff and the collective noise of those with mental illness driven narcissism & victimhood mentality spawned by daily faux outrage du jour. Lately, I’ve been finding myself asking the same questions as before. Knowing, I will never receive answers. Even as 2025 began, it was a year knowing I would eventually find myself walking away from yet another platform. Going silent and locking up each account I still have left. As the year proceeded, I kept busy with the knowledge I would be attending college again. A path influenced by someone who left me not only in emotional turmoil but helped me also gain a sense of clarity via a 3rd party. I don’t hang out on Reddit much. It’s not a site I would recommend to others. Despite the trolls, there are occasionally unique individuals. When you jump into a community and defend someone online, it’s no surprise loyalists to another party join forces like a pack of wild dogs and attack you for supporting the other side. Despite my previously posted remarks, I don’t blindly follow individuals like a cult member. The same rule applies to my politics. Those same statements of defence towards someone, would also be the reason I would go on to delete those corresponding comments. Not before copying & pasting them to a Google Docs file within my Gmail account, for future use. I.E. this blog. While also screen grabbing a private DM chat I had with someone I met through a Reddit community, who reached out and gave me her Instagram handle. Only for her to unfollow me after discussing a certain individual privately online. What I thought was a mutual understanding, turned out to be more platitudes. Particularly, after asking those same questions in a previous blog entitled: Decision: Head or Heart? (now deleted). However, knowing now full well this mutual individual we discussed privately brought me up BY NAME, led to some interesting revelations. Introducing my blog to her and through adjoining conversations I would discover this mutual individual NOT ONLY mentioned me, but based on my previous comments, caused him to spiral emotionally. Which only confirms my notions with someone, 13 years older than me and nearly 8hrs drive from where I live. Mine in Canada. His in the U.S. Both of us are barely active online anymore. Since the sudden passing of Brent Hinds of Mastodon from a tragic motorcycle accident in Atlanta in late August of ‘25, everything changed. Granted I know I haven’t always shown grace where I should have. Speaking personally, I know I can’t reverse any of the carnage I’ve created in recent years. Nor expect forgiveness for the lack of trust I know I should have shown. After news of Brent Hinds sudden passing, nothing felt important to me anymore. Not my job, not college. Not social media. Which is what led me to “closing up shop”. My conversations with the Redditor I spoke with, learning not only how affected this mutual individual we spoke about was left not only by my comments, but also her discussions with him, I was surprised to discover quote:
“Based on the dates you provided. And he seemed super upset…. Like not knowing really anything about your side of things.”
Continuing; “he seemed like he was spiraling a bit”. I’m not difficult to find. That isn’t to say, I’m looking to cause any further contention with anyone, via this entry. Choosing to speak about this, my hope is to clear up any misunderstandings. Unfortunately, to do that I would have to name names. When it should be obvious, who I’m speaking about. And in short, to! This blog serves two functions:
To discuss whatever subject at further length
Operating as an open journal, opposite to the private one I keep by my bedside
I meant every word I said on Reddit, despite deleting those comments. Including my critiques which can be perceived as a little harsh. Those however, are mere observations. Considering someone is very much a Lone Wolf, recognizing this also calls into question 2019 comments:
"I'm 47 now, and um... I've always kind of thought I'd be a good dad and I think uh, I still do…. want kids……..”
Compatibility is everything. As he is 13 years older than me, “it's probably why I go out with younger girls. So we have a little time to figure that one out” doesn’t work as an argument. When it’s unlikely those “younger girls” know who Henry Winkler is. *Wink, Wink. Nudge, Nudge*. I don’t necessarily see eye to eye with someone. We differ very much politically. Given the state of the world, being a Democrat isn’t realistic anymore. Since the Left have been hijacked and sanity no longer exists anymore. But it doesn’t mean I don’t unequivocally care about him. When I found out about the fight in November ‘24, I momentarily came running back. While I admit I rushed to judgement at one point, my opinion changed after learning more about what happened. That being said, I’m well aware of someone’s brutal temperament & ego. Which I know fuels him even at the worst moments. We’re all human and I can’t fault him when it springs up. Even the worst of ourselves appear when we don’t necessarily mean it to. Hurting others in the process. Speaking for myself, I acknowledge being tactless towards him at times. In truth, I was never disparaging. I recognize being sometimes harsh & critical, but never malicious. He may think otherwise and he’s completely entitled to those feelings. I won’t fault him for that. My feelings however, have always come from a place of loyalty & frustration. Lord knows, I’ve been no saint. He & I are similar. We’re both fiery. Knowing someone so immensely talented, capable of baring their soul and revealing more than a few difficult truths could also cause me to leave and possibly, never return hurts. “There’s a million todays, but less and less tomorrows.” Through the twists and turns in the road however, this journey that is life I thought would eventually bring us closer. Unfortunately, I feel that path becoming wider and even more distant. Now, more than ever. Choices over the last couple years, I felt meant to drive me away. So to suggest “not knowing really anything about your side of things” doesn’t connect. And only continues to prove to me how exactly aware he is of comments, whether having to do with him or not. I have been open about my struggles with trusting people. How hurt I’ve been by others who left me alone, walked out, chose not to be a part of my life or caused me to disassociate with in order to protect my mental health & future. Even as I write this, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do right now. But with the sense that despite trying to find clarity in chaos, I’m still left wondering why. Why care or be bothered by either anything I said or posted online? Why was he staring & paying so much attention to my online activity to begin with. What was he looking for? Why was he so interested? Was there something I missed? When you’re busy trying to decide between your head and your heart, it’s difficult to find the answers to those questions, when someone will always be there in the background, off in the distance somewhere, scrolling social media and asking others online to:
“Speak only from the heart. You can’t lose. Never repeat another’s thoughts or opinions. You have your own, just Listen to your heart. I’m here to listen”.
Well, that being said I won't fight for anyone unwilling to fight for me. Who blocks me for no reason while leaving me in a cloud of confusion even when he’s been staring at my social media activity since 2023.
“The measure of a man is what he does when no one is looking” - “Francis” CW Reign Season 3 Episode 3
I’ve reached a point where I can’t do this anymore. I often wonder if the roles were reversed, would he react similarly? If any man I spent time around, he believed something else was going on. As I find myself asking when other women are around him. Particularly ones who parade themselves happily online like OnlyFans “models”. Enjoying more than just their company. Is that all it takes to get his attention? Adult themed images for the admission of spending time with those who could boost an online profile? If seeing him draped over 2 girls is anything to go by, only to briefly hire one of them (a go-go dancer and self-professed “promo model”) for a job (and discovering images of 1 of his 2 cats on HER Instagram page and whose breasts are on his Instagram page), the sheer act of doing so is enough to push any woman other than myself away. If social media means other women are more important than finding & focusing on ‘the one’, it’s no wonder why someone drifts aimlessly without the solid foundation of a true partner who doesn’t just stand by your side, but always encourages you to reach for even greater dreams than any of the ones already successfully achieved. Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and FOREVER to repair. My favorite Greek mythological story, Eros and Psyche reminds us in the end: “love cannot live without trust”.
“When you know deep in your heart, you’re a good person. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you. Follow your heart, you aren’t wrong”.
I graduate college in ‘27. Were I to move to the U.S., would only be after independently building up my own finances and paying off 2 sets of student loans. However, I believe it’s best I remain in Canada. Montreal, QC; Toronto & Ottawa, ONT. are where my attention is firmly focused right now. Considering he’s 53, it’s not the “younger girls” running out of time. It’s him! Sooner or later, it’ll be too little, too late. If we cross paths someday, I hope he’s found peace & figures out whatever holds him back from true love. Someone who won’t break his heart or use him to boost their own profile. As those I’ve seen try and are still trying to. Each coquette waiting their turn to shine in the spotlight. Using him for as much clout as they can chase. Life can be painful & filled with shadows. Leaving us feeling lost in a world of noise and unsavory characters. “It’s darkest down the lonely path.” It’s when we surround ourselves with real people; love, laughter and light that makes life worth living. “There’s light beyond the barricade”. I’m still searching for my happy ending. I hope he eventually finds his.
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