Friendships, Loyalty & Trust: My Journey Towards Healing & Learning Difficult Lessons
Friendship these days is like a game of Russian Roulette. Either you’ll never have to worry or you wind up with the bullet leaving the chamber. Frankly, I’m no stranger to walking away from former friends. I’ve left behind a trail of severed connections, all with their own reason & history. Of the many friendships I had, I can’t help looking back with regret. But also with an understanding without those various personalities, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today! Stronger & wiser. At the same time, wishing I could go back and change the inevitable outcome. Despite this, I still managed to get myself out of a bad situation. Albeit with several scars along the way.
Like any relationship either romantic or platonic, the most important element is TRUST. One of those sayings I and many others have grown up with is: “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” But what if those certain friends in your life become family? I don’t have a great relationship with my own relatives. As I write this, I haven’t seen my father’s side of the family since I was 10 and the last time I’ve seen ANYONE from my mother’s side, was just before COVID in 2019. During that momentary visit from one of my 2 aunts, I referenced one of those former friends I walked away from. A friendship of 24 years, before eventually severing those all important ties.
I’ve spoken a few times about walking away from everyone I was friends with in 2016. A decision the result of my hand being forced; after the end of a 3 ½ month relationship I was in from November 2015 to the Saturday after Valentines Day 2016. Natural inclination usually dictates, your friends are supposed to be there for you when a relationship you were in, comes to an end. In all the years I spent bending over backwards for those I thought were my friends, those same individuals refused to show up for me. Being more concerned with their own lives than being there for someone who always showed up for them when they needed me! This betrayal was the catalyst to not only walking away, but also throwing everyone I thought I knew out of my life! FOR GOOD!
Upon leaving my 2nd Facebook account & opening my 3rd and FINAL profile, those bonds I forged were no longer strong as I thought. Adding to my disillusionment with the platform, my growing unease with those broken connections; some dating back 10-15 years, the longest with my former best friend since childhood, led me to sever even the most difficult of ties.
The decisions we witness our friends make, also gives us a front row seat to the result of those decisions. For good or bad, the song remains the same. With varying differences in either direction. At the end of the day, as much as we want to support those we care about, the effects of one person’s decisions can also have an outward consequence. For 10-13 years, the ripple effect of those decisions not only by my former best friend, but also my own impact on every choice I make even today! While it could be argued my own upbringing was considerably conservative and that my parents “control me”, 24 years of experience taught me there is such a thing as too much leniency! And while options exist for women, abortion should not be used as a form of birth control! Granted my own history of encountering one wannabe frog prince after another has been fraught with its own challenges. Aside from this; my own encounters with the opposite sex did NOT include the same low standards which my former best friend & many other young women I was acquainted with (at any one time or another) set for themselves. Compared to them, my standards have ALWAYS been higher! Which have come with varying difficulties for any guy wishing to pursue me. As I’m too much of a free spirit and virtually untameable. With both fiery passions & a temper to match (when pushed or heavily provoked of course)! Even to this day that still hasn’t changed. And while those who have attempted to soften me have failed, like a rose…. I always reveal my thorns!
If the COVID lockdowns gave me anything other than the ability to binge watch whatever I wanted on t.v. and spend more time on social media than humanly possible, it was also the opportunity to think and re-examine not only my life, but also realise those who became strangers to me in the end. Spending nearly a quarter of a lifetime with someone, taught me trusting anyone these days is a luxury. The value of which can be costly. When you’re the proverbial doormat for those who’ve come & gone from your life, the ‘WELCOME’ sign allows invite to virtually ANYONE looking to cross even the most serious of boundaries! Overtime, I’ve realised those same shackles of loyalty to the wrong people cause the most pain.
Since Kindergarten / Grade 1, I was raised & grew up in 2 different homes. Along with my own parents, I was also (in part) raised by my former best friend’s family. From the age of 16, through nearly ALL of my 20’s; I helped raise and take care of… my former best friend’s daughter (born December 2001). Among the number of idiots & opportunists I witnessed come & go from both their lives, the worst was someone who nearly brought out my violent side! Someone I wish my former best friend & I NEVER met at one of the nightclubs we used to haunt! Whether it was the individual responsible for the birth of her daughter (who disappeared and has remained - as far as I know, absent after revoked visitations for a plethora of reasons, including neglect and abuse), or someone who found themselves on the other side of the law, for illegal entry into a property not belonging to them; my former best friend has ALWAYS had the WORST taste in men! Having supported her years earlier after undergoing an abortion procedure, it was that same afternoon when (as I would later explain to my own parents in confidence), this was NOT her first rodeo! Discovering her aversion to prophylactics during a private conversation where I would remind her of the risks of STi’s. Among the few memorable conversations my former best friend & I would have, one particularly stands out. Consisting of an evening sitting across from one another where she would express her “thoughts” on her daughter quote “sabotaging” her “relationships”. Leaving me to reply with: “She’s had help!” Before severing ties, my former best friend gave birth to her 2nd child - a son, born November 2015. Meanwhile, the father of her son was (as far as I’m still aware) still legally married (though separated) with 4 children of his own.
Having acted as a pseudo-2nd parent to my former best friend’s daughter for 10-13 years; the reason ultimately that led me to walking away from the friendship, was not one I made single-handedly. That choice came at the cost of what I only knew I had to in the end. Something after a long period of looking back, I should have done much, much sooner! When a child is involved on the other hand, protecting the innocent (in this case, from their own mother’s persistent selfish & stupid decisions) becomes a greater importance. Thus making any thoughts of leaving increasingly difficult. Given my former best friend’s propensity for bad decision making and habits of inviting into her life, those who would abuse her generosity and at times, personal possessions (example: a laptop, which had a virus put on it by former untrustworthy neighbours) blind loyalty and a sense of righteousness, while also being the only one in the room able to recognise reality, makes removing even the most poisonous of individuals easy!
Reflecting back over many years of drama, what once perceived as solid and strong foundations with those within my inner circle, now appear so clear where the cracks in those foundations began. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting a different result, then wearing one’s heart on their sleeve for too long leaves someone equally vulnerable and open. Like myself, those same blindfolds left me unable to see the flashing lights and signs that read: DANGER AHEAD; while also deaf to the concerns of both my parents & my own internal ego. Worrying I was throwing away my future for the sake of friendship. Since 2016, I’ve worked incredibly hard for everything I have today. Though much of the progress may appear minimal by comparison, like the title of my future memoirs, my life has been a never ending battle of SNAKES & LADDERS. Those jaded perceptions I now hold from those burned bridges of former friendships are among the many lessons learned. A relationship of any kind, in this case those I once held on a platonic level, should never hold anyone back. No amount of guilt trips or others refusing to take responsibility for their own actions or behaviours, should be the reason for not pursuing one’s own path or potential in life either! One of my regrets with my former best friend of 24 years? Not putting my foot down sooner!
Side Note:
A quick thank you to Chad I. Ginsburg of the band CKY for inspiring part of my writing. It was your comment in the RIML interview about “getting out of a bad situation” that had a great impact on me (as you’ll see.. is part of my writing here in this blog piece). Thank you, truly. 💜
Like any relationship either romantic or platonic, the most important element is TRUST. One of those sayings I and many others have grown up with is: “you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family.” But what if those certain friends in your life become family? I don’t have a great relationship with my own relatives. As I write this, I haven’t seen my father’s side of the family since I was 10 and the last time I’ve seen ANYONE from my mother’s side, was just before COVID in 2019. During that momentary visit from one of my 2 aunts, I referenced one of those former friends I walked away from. A friendship of 24 years, before eventually severing those all important ties.
I’ve spoken a few times about walking away from everyone I was friends with in 2016. A decision the result of my hand being forced; after the end of a 3 ½ month relationship I was in from November 2015 to the Saturday after Valentines Day 2016. Natural inclination usually dictates, your friends are supposed to be there for you when a relationship you were in, comes to an end. In all the years I spent bending over backwards for those I thought were my friends, those same individuals refused to show up for me. Being more concerned with their own lives than being there for someone who always showed up for them when they needed me! This betrayal was the catalyst to not only walking away, but also throwing everyone I thought I knew out of my life! FOR GOOD!
Upon leaving my 2nd Facebook account & opening my 3rd and FINAL profile, those bonds I forged were no longer strong as I thought. Adding to my disillusionment with the platform, my growing unease with those broken connections; some dating back 10-15 years, the longest with my former best friend since childhood, led me to sever even the most difficult of ties.
The decisions we witness our friends make, also gives us a front row seat to the result of those decisions. For good or bad, the song remains the same. With varying differences in either direction. At the end of the day, as much as we want to support those we care about, the effects of one person’s decisions can also have an outward consequence. For 10-13 years, the ripple effect of those decisions not only by my former best friend, but also my own impact on every choice I make even today! While it could be argued my own upbringing was considerably conservative and that my parents “control me”, 24 years of experience taught me there is such a thing as too much leniency! And while options exist for women, abortion should not be used as a form of birth control! Granted my own history of encountering one wannabe frog prince after another has been fraught with its own challenges. Aside from this; my own encounters with the opposite sex did NOT include the same low standards which my former best friend & many other young women I was acquainted with (at any one time or another) set for themselves. Compared to them, my standards have ALWAYS been higher! Which have come with varying difficulties for any guy wishing to pursue me. As I’m too much of a free spirit and virtually untameable. With both fiery passions & a temper to match (when pushed or heavily provoked of course)! Even to this day that still hasn’t changed. And while those who have attempted to soften me have failed, like a rose…. I always reveal my thorns!
If the COVID lockdowns gave me anything other than the ability to binge watch whatever I wanted on t.v. and spend more time on social media than humanly possible, it was also the opportunity to think and re-examine not only my life, but also realise those who became strangers to me in the end. Spending nearly a quarter of a lifetime with someone, taught me trusting anyone these days is a luxury. The value of which can be costly. When you’re the proverbial doormat for those who’ve come & gone from your life, the ‘WELCOME’ sign allows invite to virtually ANYONE looking to cross even the most serious of boundaries! Overtime, I’ve realised those same shackles of loyalty to the wrong people cause the most pain.
Since Kindergarten / Grade 1, I was raised & grew up in 2 different homes. Along with my own parents, I was also (in part) raised by my former best friend’s family. From the age of 16, through nearly ALL of my 20’s; I helped raise and take care of… my former best friend’s daughter (born December 2001). Among the number of idiots & opportunists I witnessed come & go from both their lives, the worst was someone who nearly brought out my violent side! Someone I wish my former best friend & I NEVER met at one of the nightclubs we used to haunt! Whether it was the individual responsible for the birth of her daughter (who disappeared and has remained - as far as I know, absent after revoked visitations for a plethora of reasons, including neglect and abuse), or someone who found themselves on the other side of the law, for illegal entry into a property not belonging to them; my former best friend has ALWAYS had the WORST taste in men! Having supported her years earlier after undergoing an abortion procedure, it was that same afternoon when (as I would later explain to my own parents in confidence), this was NOT her first rodeo! Discovering her aversion to prophylactics during a private conversation where I would remind her of the risks of STi’s. Among the few memorable conversations my former best friend & I would have, one particularly stands out. Consisting of an evening sitting across from one another where she would express her “thoughts” on her daughter quote “sabotaging” her “relationships”. Leaving me to reply with: “She’s had help!” Before severing ties, my former best friend gave birth to her 2nd child - a son, born November 2015. Meanwhile, the father of her son was (as far as I’m still aware) still legally married (though separated) with 4 children of his own.
Having acted as a pseudo-2nd parent to my former best friend’s daughter for 10-13 years; the reason ultimately that led me to walking away from the friendship, was not one I made single-handedly. That choice came at the cost of what I only knew I had to in the end. Something after a long period of looking back, I should have done much, much sooner! When a child is involved on the other hand, protecting the innocent (in this case, from their own mother’s persistent selfish & stupid decisions) becomes a greater importance. Thus making any thoughts of leaving increasingly difficult. Given my former best friend’s propensity for bad decision making and habits of inviting into her life, those who would abuse her generosity and at times, personal possessions (example: a laptop, which had a virus put on it by former untrustworthy neighbours) blind loyalty and a sense of righteousness, while also being the only one in the room able to recognise reality, makes removing even the most poisonous of individuals easy!
Reflecting back over many years of drama, what once perceived as solid and strong foundations with those within my inner circle, now appear so clear where the cracks in those foundations began. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting a different result, then wearing one’s heart on their sleeve for too long leaves someone equally vulnerable and open. Like myself, those same blindfolds left me unable to see the flashing lights and signs that read: DANGER AHEAD; while also deaf to the concerns of both my parents & my own internal ego. Worrying I was throwing away my future for the sake of friendship. Since 2016, I’ve worked incredibly hard for everything I have today. Though much of the progress may appear minimal by comparison, like the title of my future memoirs, my life has been a never ending battle of SNAKES & LADDERS. Those jaded perceptions I now hold from those burned bridges of former friendships are among the many lessons learned. A relationship of any kind, in this case those I once held on a platonic level, should never hold anyone back. No amount of guilt trips or others refusing to take responsibility for their own actions or behaviours, should be the reason for not pursuing one’s own path or potential in life either! One of my regrets with my former best friend of 24 years? Not putting my foot down sooner!
Side Note:
A quick thank you to Chad I. Ginsburg of the band CKY for inspiring part of my writing. It was your comment in the RIML interview about “getting out of a bad situation” that had a great impact on me (as you’ll see.. is part of my writing here in this blog piece). Thank you, truly. 💜
Comments