Clearing The Fog
It doesn’t necessarily need to take a keen observer to notice, I haven’t been in the best headspace. I’m not going to sugar coat it; all the noise in my head made it difficult to concentrate on anything for a while. Journaling has been my comfort for clearing the fog. Unfortunately, writing causes many sleepless nights. Chasing one thought after another.
No doubt 2023 was a rough year for me. My professional life in retail has been among the biggest stresses. Less a career, more customer service with the added fun of cleaning up after adults who behave worse than children. Meanwhile, working towards a future including financial security, while facing similar lack of or dwindling hours which forced me to leave previously where I was in the summer of '21. Compelling me once again, to seek better opportunities elsewhere. Including my hope to apply for post-secondary education this year in the field of massage therapy. My work life in retail has consisted of scheduled closing shifts, adding to my night owl habit creating an insomnia problem. For months, I have been struggling with crippling self-doubt, fear & depression and staying up longer than I should most nights. Not exactly the best recipe for positive mental health. My decision to take an extended break from social media was obviously short lived. Before returning, I made a promise to myself & indirectly another of #nodoomscrolling. Let’s face it, look at what’s going on in the world. The only other options: deactivating all social media accounts, turning off the television (specifically informational broadcasting, or what we call the 24 hour news cycle), flipping the channel to something possibly less depressing or immersing oneself in a good book. The same decision I made of leaving social media for a while, except for Pinterest & Spotify, also appeared to have ruffled some feathers. Not long after while scrolling through Instagram, I noticed a possible indirect response. I suspect, due to a third party sending the link to Year in Review. Aside from discussing issues at work, my health struggles & a brief mention of the holidays; it was a comment I gravitated toward.
Words I want to trust are true. But if my own history has taught me anything...... This same someone has made me question everything. He’s also inspired & surprised (and scares) me. Referring to social media as a trash heap, was my own response. Both New Years Eve & early January, caught me off guard. Thoughts similar to my own, leading to comments of reverting to previous methods of communication during the mid-90’s & early 2000’s. Before Myspace in 2003. Not long after being “Phantom of the Opera’ed” away. Reconnecting in late ‘22 after what I convinced myself was a closed chapter, but still had much significance to me in the end. Sadly, platforms like Twitter (X) have become a gathering spot for end of the world, doomsday preppers searching for any hint of Armageddon (or the rapture). As I expressed social media’s own depressing cycle of endless political divisiveness & misinformation campaigns, true too are regular amounts of bullying and harassment others endure. Something I’m all too familiar with (forcing me to protect myself online, thus why I haven’t shared many photos of myself except for what’s currently on my Instagram page). I agree, life is best lived finding things which make us happy & spending our energy with the ones we love (friends, family etc.) Nothing I said in the final part of Year in Review was meant to be negative. Aside from earning much of my respect, I’ve questioned if I should even post this. Maybe I’ve read too much into this. Only he can answer that. If he decides to. These last several months have been a lot of in depth soul searching and frustration! As I did during the COVID lockdowns, I’ve been trying to give myself space to sort through the mess I believed I already went through. What I failed to grasp (maybe it took a force of nature with whisky eyes, who refuses to suffer fools lightly to show me), I have more work in front of me than expected. What I didn’t recognize was how a comment a family friend made a few years ago would come back to bite me.
The journey to the other side is not travelled easily. I’m only human. How many times do I have to stop and start again? I don’t know. What I didn’t comprehend, was anyone reaching me when few previously have. Even after walking away from many I once trusted. I guess there is light beyond the barricade after all, ‘cause nothing ever stays the same.
“Speak only from the heart. You can’t lose. Never repeat another’s thoughts or opinions. You have your own, just Listen to your heart. I’m here to listen”
Words I want to trust are true. But if my own history has taught me anything...... This same someone has made me question everything. He’s also inspired & surprised (and scares) me. Referring to social media as a trash heap, was my own response. Both New Years Eve & early January, caught me off guard. Thoughts similar to my own, leading to comments of reverting to previous methods of communication during the mid-90’s & early 2000’s. Before Myspace in 2003. Not long after being “Phantom of the Opera’ed” away. Reconnecting in late ‘22 after what I convinced myself was a closed chapter, but still had much significance to me in the end. Sadly, platforms like Twitter (X) have become a gathering spot for end of the world, doomsday preppers searching for any hint of Armageddon (or the rapture). As I expressed social media’s own depressing cycle of endless political divisiveness & misinformation campaigns, true too are regular amounts of bullying and harassment others endure. Something I’m all too familiar with (forcing me to protect myself online, thus why I haven’t shared many photos of myself except for what’s currently on my Instagram page). I agree, life is best lived finding things which make us happy & spending our energy with the ones we love (friends, family etc.) Nothing I said in the final part of Year in Review was meant to be negative. Aside from earning much of my respect, I’ve questioned if I should even post this. Maybe I’ve read too much into this. Only he can answer that. If he decides to. These last several months have been a lot of in depth soul searching and frustration! As I did during the COVID lockdowns, I’ve been trying to give myself space to sort through the mess I believed I already went through. What I failed to grasp (maybe it took a force of nature with whisky eyes, who refuses to suffer fools lightly to show me), I have more work in front of me than expected. What I didn’t recognize was how a comment a family friend made a few years ago would come back to bite me.
“Someone’s going to come along & then you’re really going to have to watch your mouth!”
The journey to the other side is not travelled easily. I’m only human. How many times do I have to stop and start again? I don’t know. What I didn’t comprehend, was anyone reaching me when few previously have. Even after walking away from many I once trusted. I guess there is light beyond the barricade after all, ‘cause nothing ever stays the same.
“But even I have to remind myself as a human being to relearn these things. Check yourself. We all fall off.”
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