Decision: Head or Heart?
I lost someone I care about. Why? Was it my politics? Or my comments? Many of which, now deleted on X (Twitter). If either of these were the cause, I have to ask: someone who never followed me back on social media; why care or be bothered by anything I posted online? Better question: Why was he staring & paying so much attention to my online activity to begin with? What was he looking for? Why was he interested? Especially when there are countless women throwing themselves at him. Was there something I missed? Why the indirect responses?
Example: 2 posts from my Instagram page
July 17th, 2024 & July 18th, 2024.
Between them, his response:
“🤷🏻♂️ wtf is goin’ on? 🤦🏻♂️Regardless, I’m staying focused on good things, rock ‘n’ roll, love and happiness!”
Another example: 1 from my Instagram page & the other from my blog “Year in Review”.
His response:
Blah blah, As I look back and think about the year gone by 💤 🙄… I realize, who gives a fuck ! it’s in the past! Bring on 2024! I’m ready👊Happy New Year and Good luck y’all, gonna be a big one! Buckle up. 🤞👊 🎉
Including this interesting follow up:
“So fucking sick of the internet. Time to bring back the flip phone for all.
Highly considering it. It has hit Peak Redundancy ❗️I get it. maybe it is time to switch to a flip phone, use the computer for Internet only as needed⬅️. Better than it in my hands all day. That I’m sure of.. Especially this Year.. and maybe I can finish some fucking music instead ! how ‘bout that shit👊”
If he’s known all this time what’s been going on (or assuming he does) why not say it to me….. Directly? And privately? Do I need to remind him of this comment made January 24, 2024?
“Online, I treat others the exact same way I treat every person. Anything I say online, I could say to someone’s face looking into their eyes. I give you no character here, I also use my real name on all accounts. Do you say things online that you would never say in person to someone? Act differently online? Maybe behind a screen name? STOP! You won’t, but please try, think about it if you ever leave your house. How do you treat real people to their face?”
I don’t give my heart easily. I’ve learned to be cautious trusting people. For the most part, I keep everyone at arm's length until I know I can trust them. Like 2016, I have no problem throwing anyone else out of my life. I won’t fight for someone unwilling to fight for me. Someone who’d rather occupy their time (online), with the kind of women I will never be: half-naked and desperate for attention, with nothing between their ears but chiffon and puff pastries. It’s why I keep my circle (what’s left of it) small!
“The measure of a man is what he does when no one is looking” - “Francis” CW Reign Season 3 Episode 3
Freedom is knowing you can walk this world alone & still want good people in your life. I won’t spend the rest of my life with anyone who makes me feel even more alone. Or those who contradict themselves at every turn or opportunity. Saying one thing but doing the opposite. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared so much. But I won’t apologize for knowing what I want; caring about the things I do or holding the views I do. I refuse to live in a vacuum (or a bubble). If only he’d come to me like an adult, this could have been sorted! Instead of blocking me on X (Twitter).
“Try to learn from your mistakes. Try to be a better person daily. Appreciate where you’re at when things are good & know how to get yourself out of a bad situation and onto a good track, wherever you’re at in life. And care about other people.”
Caring means checking in & proving you give a damn! Standing by someone’s side & supporting them when something is wrong. Fixing what is broken & healing what has been hurt. It means showing up & showing empathy & holding yourself accountable. Caring also means owning your mistakes. Choosing what is in front of you; knowing sometimes there are things too important not to lose. Instead of investing in those who would use you for clout or personal gain. Caring means actually looking someone in the eyes & proving everything you say can be trusted. Both in word & in action and going the extra mile. Not betraying or disavowing them when it's convenient! Then again, how can I trust someone who in one breath says “Listen to your heart” suggesting they’re “here to listen” when those EXACT words are easily betrayed?
“Speak only from the heart. You can’t lose. Never repeat another’s thoughts or opinions. You have your own, just Listen to your heart. I’m here to listen.”
Compassion, or at least the idea of it appears rather expedient when it’s convenient for those when it suits them! Otherwise, it’s difficult to accept any comment about compassion when everything else previously uttered are nothing more than failed & broken platitudes by someone who really doesn’t mean them!
“Hey humanity, you very recently made it through a pandemic and countless other tragically earned life lessons over several thousands of years. Congrats. But listen, make sure you learned nothing from any of that. Zilch. Become even more deeply deprived of all compassion. Forget the word fucking exists. Honor greed. Follow the money. Hate. Only you matter.”
If there is one thing to keep in mind, it’s knowing 5 things are important:
Mindfulness
Thoughtfulness
genuine Compassion
Collaboration
& Caring
If his focus really is on love and happiness, then with whom? Himself or……... If I’ve learned anything from previous examples in my life, some have the capacity of lowering their standards faster than they can build them. In order for love and happiness to exist, you have to be willing to fight for it! Otherwise, it’s just hollow words that amount to nothing!! Who he follows online is his business. But no woman worth her salt is going to be (or even stay) with someone who seemingly pays whatever amount of attention to thirst traps & girls with OnlyFans accounts! Or anyone who can’t separate business from personal! Truthfully, I don’t think he knows what he wants. For someone who at the age of 47 spoke about "wanting kids" and believing he'd be a good dad (which in my mind, I believe he will someday), I'm curious: how do you think that's going to happen? Will it be with the right girl or someone who uses him as their own personal bank account? Or someone looking for clout? Or both? Speaking for myself, I never fully entertained the idea of having kids. Always trading more for "someday" than a rush to find some good looking with a hard on in a tight pair of jeans type. Having spent 10-13 years helping raise my former best friend's daughter; was enough for me to recognize I ONLY want kids with the RIGHT guy!!! Given my history with the opposite sex, each previous relationship an example of why I never settled. Looking back, I'm glad I never did!!!! But maybe that’s why he’s single. Was I correct in his indirect response on Instagram to a now deleted post I put up on my Twitter page?
“If George Clooney can get married at 53, what’s holding up other guys? Some guys can be in a relationship with someone for 10 years, get engaged & then watch the women they loved walk out on them. Makes you wonder what made them leave…. His commitment phobia maybe?”
Honestly, optimism is not a luxury I can afford right now. I’m too busy trying to keep my head above water. So what finally pushed him over the edge & caused him to block me on X (Twitter)? Was it his intransigence?
“I try and I try, but I truly can’t stand this fuckin’ app anymore….. All annoying words muted by me. No interest. This spiraling x app is done stealing my time or affecting at least My moods anymore.”
Surprisingly, I’m not blocked on Instagram. Yet. But that begs another question: why am I not blocked on Instagram? And why am I ONLY blocked on X (Twitter)? I don’t share my politics (much) on Instagram like I do on X (Twitter).
“It’s always a negative news cycle and depressing internet feed. Don’t play into it and don’t let it ruin your day or life. END being manipulated out of your own happiness. Say hi to friends, look at some funny shit and bail. Internet is a mess. #nodoomscrolling.”
How much (if any at all) is he still watching my online activity? Pinterest, X (Twitter) & Instagram? Better yet, how much of my official blog page has he gone through? If he’s willing to talk, I certainly have no issue DM'ing him my cell phone number. But maybe, blocking me on X (Twitter) is a blessing in disguise. He really isn’t mad about the things I said. He’s upset ‘cause I poked a few holes in his defenses. And 1 really large one into his ego. I wonder now if all the work I put into both CKY boards on Pinterest have been a waste of time. Especially since I devoted so much time & energy to both. Have they both been for nothing? Should I have also sent that (now deleted) birthday post in April? I still believe he’s a good guy. But anyone capable of spending any or even a fair amount of time for whatever reason, watching my social media activity without following me back, while indirectly responding to my posts (be it Instagram stories or posts of their own), never really cared about me in the first place and probably doesn’t care about anyone else either. It’s sad, he’s the reason I made the decision to pursue a degree in Massage Therapy. I also likely wouldn’t have written 3 of my blogs if not inspired by him. And I don’t get inspired much these days. By anyone one or anything. Something has to be important or on my mind enough for me to write about. But maybe those prophetic words a family friend once told me, finally rang true this time. Causing me to make a huge mistake.
“Someone’s going to come along and then you’re really going to have to watch your mouth!”
I don’t know either way.
So, final question:
Which do I choose?
My heart?
Or……
My head?
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